For those of you who have followed my blog for a while,
you may know that all of the pictures of children you see on this site are of my nieces and nephew. Up to this point, my husband and I haven’t had children of our own… and that statement comes with a long history of heartfelt, pleading prayers and disappointing moments when we thought that we were pregnant, only to find out we weren’t. And how painful those moments have been.
When it comes to having children,
you learn that you aren’t as in charge as you would like to be. It is not like other times where you make choices and follow the expected progression of that stage of life. Like when I graduated, I went to college. And when my husband turned twelve, he received the Priesthood and then later it was time for a mission. Having children isn’t always that easy. And when it isn’t, you learn how much you long for it.
There is a steep learning curve that you are suddenly enrolled in.
Everywhere you go, it seems like everyone around you is expecting. Or when you hear of a news story where a child has been abandoned or mistreated, you scream, “you were able to have a child, and this is what you do????” And you may understand why so many women in the Bible found so much joy in their ability to have many children, and others so much sorrow when they couldn’t. You find Hannah, Elisabeth, and Rachel as friends that you now have something painfully in common with.
You learn lessons. And those lessons change you.
So, I thought it an appropriate time,
since we are celebrating the family, to let you know that I am now thrilled to be almost four months pregnant. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around that. Four months pregnant! As expected as it should have been for us, it came as a complete surprise. You become used to being told “no”, so when “yes” came – you think it must have been a dream. But it isn’t, and I now understand, so much better, how Adam and Eve felt when they felt so much joy in their fallen state because they had children.
And I also understand the promise to Eve
that “in thy sorrow thou shalt bring forth children” (Moses 4:22). I know it is different for every woman, but I now get that the sacrifice of motherhood begins about 8 months before you ever hold your child. I thought I was sick… but I found out I was pregnant. This child has made me so very tired and SO VERY nauseous. They have controlled my life and every choice I am making. And I would never, ever trade it. This sickness means I’m pregnant, and that means our family is starting to come. I only hope we have prepared ourselves enough to be worthy parents for this spirit.
As my students are learning
that I will be retiring from teaching seminary in about 3 ½ months, most of them are surprised that I won’t be back. “There are so many people that can take my place here,” I will tell them, “but no one can take my place there.”
A thirteen year career gone?
Nope, I have a feeling that thirteen years of teaching seminary was preparation for what is yet to come.
Because I cannot yet hold him or her, here is a letter I recently wrote them:
Dear Child of Mine,
I wonder if you will ever know how many times I have thought about you. I have imagined you in my life so many times. I want you to know and understand that you are so very wanted. I have been making choices for such a long time, preparing myself to be your mother. And now that you are coming, I feel so unprepared. I don’t know everything you are going to need from me, but I hope to have it.
Your father is such a good man. I chose so wisely. He is so kind and he honors his Priesthood. You will see how hard he works to provide and preside over this family and you will be proud to call him father. I know that he will move heaven and earth for you and that he will love you more than he will be able to stand. And you need to know that he loves your mother. You are coming into a home full of love.
I don’t know if you are a boy or girl yet. I will find out really soon. But I will take you, whichever you are.
I wonder what skills and talents you are going to come to earth with. I wonder what Heavenly Father has in store for you, specifically. As your parents, we will try to do everything we can to help you develop and become the person you planned on being here.
I know I won’t be perfect. But I know my mistakes will be out of loving you too much. And you need to know that you have already made me so happy.
We cannot wait to meet you. Our home is waiting.
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